Struggles of a master procrastinator
Book Abuse- Why Reading Might Be Potentially Harmful
A wolf in sheep’s clothing
For too long, we have been told how reading is a great habit. How speed reading is a necessary skill to develop. I’ve had a hard time wrapping my head around this suggestion. I consume books and articles like there is no tomorrow while actively disrupting my other more important projects. It may seem like being addicted to content consumption but it is not. I have a special affinity for written pieces. Unlike most, I prefer reading the book rather than watching the movie.
“Too much of anything is bad, but too much good whiskey is barely enough.” -Mark Twain
Reading to escape reality
I had a subtle realization of what I was doing, back in eighth-grade boarding school. I gained as well as lost for not doing something about it sooner. It was a boon when I had to study textbooks for school. But a bane for leisure reading. Being an avid reader, I found it difficult to stop turning the pages until I got to the end. It was never enough just like Mark Twain’s good whiskey.
Reading as a coping mechanism
The year I wasn’t entertaining the voracious leisure reader in me, was the year I made it to medical school. This habit cost me eight months because I had to take a drop after high school. I thought I had finally gotten rid of it. Eight months of not craving any books must have taught me something, right?
Wrong. All it took was one bad experience, and, and I was back at it again. This time merely the recommendations weren’t enough. I searched for something new to read regularly. Something that could probably soothe the whirlwind in my anxious mind. I began coping with my problems via reading and ignoring; rather than dealing with them upfront. After healing, I began looking at the habit from the addiction perspective.
Reading can be a defense mechanism
My limbic system does a great job at protecting me from those overwhelming tasks that probably seem to threaten my sanity and survival. It’s like an internet hosting server that constantly points at only one website during my mental crises- reading. Therefore, it didn’t seem like a good habit anymore when I started using it to procrastinate on the topics I found extremely difficult in medical school. The dopamine high made me keep coming back for more.
It got worse during my Internship when I was diagnosed with Endometriosis. The only time I wasn’t devouring something was during my shifts. Working as a medical doctor has been the only time when I’ve seen all the cravings vanish.
Reading to seek validation
I’ve often unconsciously searched far and wide for books and articles that perfectly align with my thoughts and concerns. Sometimes I even deliberately end up on a piece that triggers an emotional roller coaster. Although I despise the latter.
Reading solely to get to the end
I often find myself racing through the sentences. While I’ve never missed out on the essence of any book or article, I feel like I’m not doing justice to the piece at hand. But even more so, I’m not taking the time to enjoy the writing. I’ve wondered whether I can even call this leisure reading when I’m hurrying through the words.
Reading self-help endlessly
Devouring books and articles on self-improvement while applying little in real life has come as a harsh reality. I feel as if click baits were a ploy especially made for reading addicts like me. When I get to the end, I realize my questions are left unanswered. So I keep falling back again into the cycle of moving from one book to another, from one article to another searching for the perfect answers.
Reading because of FOMO
This has been the most misleading reason to read more. Initially, I thought it was a fairly recent problem for me. But as I look back into my medical school days, I was indeed devouring too many books unnecessarily in the library. Whether it’s course-related or non-course-related books, setting a priority has always been difficult because of the fear of missing out a.k.a FOMO. The greed to read everything has made me go back multiple steps, hindering my progress and efficiency.
I might dare say that reading can be worse than other addictions. Why? Because you might be productively procrastinating your way to self-sabotage. Without ever knowing what you’re running towards. With nobody to warn you about the downsides of a widely promoted practice. Even worse, you mistake this constant stream of sentences being continuously processed in your short-term memory as some sort of good habit.
When I’m in the flow, I have no regard for time or the muscle spasm at the back of my neck. It’s frustrating when I jump course materials without trying to master the vast amount of things I’ve already read as if I were on auto-pilot. And it’s shocking when I realize that I’ve failed to acknowledge my dry eyes begging me to have some mercy on them. But I feel like something is blocking me from doing so. That something is the strong need to get to the end of the book or the article.
Reading has always been and will continue to be a habit worth nurturing. There are enormous benefits of learning to speed read as well. But like everything else, reading too can become a harmful habit when overdone. Sometimes I feel like I’m in a dependent relationship with my habit. I’ve had to struggle to find some balance in this toxic relationship. I don’t trust myself with a book anymore.
At least not until I make it into residency. I’ve tried to put systems in place to curb reading on my devices. I’ve bypassed several such systems until I found the ones I couldn’t break through. Currently, it somewhat feels like those eight months when I was seriously studying to get into medical school. I owned just a keypad phone and no access to voluminous books- fiction, non-fiction, and STEM texts included.
Too much of anything is unhealthy. And the same goes for reading as well. Don’t let it fool you into believing that you’re doing something productive. Especially when there’s a pile of work yearning for your attention.
Thank you for your time!
I want to add here that initially I wrote this article entirely using we/you/us. When I read the email sent by Joel Mwakasege I initially tried to convert them into I/me. It was truly a challenge. It was rather difficult writing about my own flawed journey. I’d like to thank him for specifying the use of I/me. It has made me come to terms with a lot of things about myself.
